Supporting your husband, Part II

Part II

Remember how it took the children of Israel over forty years to make a ten-day journey?

It took me another trip around the mountain of spousal unemployment (and another eighteen months) to really understand what my husband needed.  Yes, he needed good food and nourishment.  Yes, he needed an attractive wife and not a worn-out slob.  Yes, he needed a quiet wife who wasn’t complaining all the time to anyone within earshot…but he needed much more.

It had been almost a year since he had started working in a new sales job.  He was successful, even in a down market.  Things were looking up…until he came home with a box in his arms to tell me that he had been let go from this job.

I’d love to tell you that I was the pillar of strength and wisdom, but it would be a ferocious lie.  When he told me he had been let go (for acting righteously to help a customer when corrupt management had wanted him to lie to the customer), I just stood there and stared at my broken husband holding a box.

Inside, I fumed.  I fumed at my husband, thinking, “How in the h*ll could you let this happen AGAIN?  Why can’t you just get along with people?”  I fumed at God for allowing this again.  I fumed at myself for being angry.  I raged inside, and my prevailing thought was this:  “I cannot, I WILL not…go through the h*ll that was the last bout of unemployment.  I cannot do this again.  No way.  I’m out.”

This time, Mister began drinking almost immediately after he was let go, and with a fury.  He was raging, because he didn’t understand how a just God could allow him to be fired for doing the RIGHT thing.  He wanted vengeance, and how.  He wanted me to help him find a lawyer to take his case and sue his former employer for wrongful termination.

Because I was so angry, I told him “no”.  In my mind, this was an exercise in futility.  In my mind, he ought to be spending his energy finding a new job ASAP, not spinning his wheels trying to find a lawyer for a lost cause in an at-will employment State.  I told him as much, by golly, because he should listen to me!  I had made a crucial mistake here; I had developed a sense of superiority over my husband through the months.  As he often acted like an irresponsible child, I had assumed a “responsible adult” role and started to boss him around.  I told him exactly what he needed to do (find a job ASAP) and I told him under no circumstances would I help him.  I called it “tough love”, but really it was stubbornness, self-righteousness and rebellion against God as sovereign in our lives.

This went over much like Chernobyl; there was quite a bit of fallout over my demand that he just “go get a new job” and “let it go”.  In the morning, he announced that he would stay in the house until our lease expired, and then he would be moving out.  He said we were “finished” and that he would coexist with me until I could find a new place to live when we would finalize everything.

I was so stunned that I could not speak.

Eventually, I spoke, and all of my rage just came pouring out upon him, because I was terribly afraid.  My husband had just told me that we were divorcing.  Just like that.  I was petrified.  I was angry.

Would you believe, STILL, it never occurred to me to simply ASK him:  “What can I do to help you, darling, in this horribly broken time for you?  I can see that you are hurting, my love.  How can I HELP you?  I still believe in you.”

With great sadness, I will tell you that I moved out for three months.  One month with our youngest child, and two months without any children living with me (we decided they were best served by remaining in their home with their father).

It was hell.  Up until this point, my husband and I were like children in a sandbox, hurling powerful clods of sand at each other, each trying to defend our territory.   Until, in His great mercy, God showed me some vital pieces of the puzzle I had been desperately trying to put together regarding love and respect:

  • My job as a wife is not to judge my husband’s spiritual condition or motives; it is to obey God by submitting to my husband because of the POSITION that God has placed him in as my Head.
  • I am capable of being just as sinful as my husband can be.  I might “appear” less sinful on the outside by looking pretty and “having it together” in front of others, but on the inside, with a contentious, resentful, selfish heart – and a prideful, arrogant, self-righteous attitude…I am as sinful as a drunkard.  Or a slothful, lazy person.  You name it, I’m capable of it.   There is no room for self-righteousness, ladies.  Kill it before it kills your marriage.
  • If I choose to elevate myself morally and spiritually above my husband, I am inviting disaster and judgment.  Pride comes before a fall.
  • Submission is a heart issue:  it is not about outward appearance, though that is an aspect of submission.  Submission is unto God first – then unto my husband.  I submit to my husband out of love for God and love for my husband.  I honor God and my husband by submission in all things.  When I discovered that the word for submission in the bible speaking to wives is a military term, it made things crystal clear:  it is not about what a wonderful and perfect man my husband is being – instead, it is about his position of authority over me that GOD has given him.  If I want the blessing of God; if I want to please God; if I really love God at all…then I want to place myself in voluntary submission to my husband.  A peaceful marriage will follow.  There is, however, no guarantee that a life of ease will follow.
  • The world says respect is “earned”.  This is not God’s way.  Respect is your responsibility toward your husband regardless of his behavior.  If he is what you perceive as an irresponsible, childish oaf who doesn’t “deserve” respect:  I urge you to get on your knees and beg God to show you your own heart before you judge your husband.  I beg you.
  • Kill any relationship with any person, girlfriend or otherwise, who encourages you to speak poorly about your husband, complain about your husband or seek pity from others about your situation with your husband.  Do it before it is too late; it is poison unto your marriage to engage in this kind of gossip about your husband.  If you are sharing your heart with an older, female mentor, this is good:  make sure you are praying for your husband together and she is helping YOU TO CHANGE YOURSELF, not listening to your list of what you want to change in your husband.  Cut destructive relationships off ASAP.  They need to be burned up so they don’t burn up your marriage.  I don’t care if you think your husband is wrong, either.

Further, I learned quite a bit about what men need during times of brokenness and unemployment:

  • He needs gentleness, quiet, peace and stability.  Even if he creates chaos, he needs these things from his wife.  It is a difficult thing and frightening, but necessary.  Be peace in the middle of chaos.
  • He needs you to accept him for who he is, even if how he is behaving is very ugly.  He needs the freedom to be who he is.  His value is NOT his current set of behaviors.  In fact, if he has had a serious personality change, he is likely experiencing major depression.  This was the case with my husband.  I wish we had spoken about it while it was ongoing, instead of speaking about it after the fact.  Perhaps we could have gotten professional medical help.
  • He needs you to NOT fight him on silly things, or anything, really, but rather to follow him dutifully.  He is fighting mentally already just to stay afloat.  Do not be a hindrance.
  • He needs you to be physically pretty and pleasing to his eye; he sees gray and bleak and dark…he needs you to be the one to bring color and life to his world with loveliness.
  • He needs good, nourishing, healthy food without having to think about it or ask.  Remember how I said I cooked when I didn’t feel like it, and became angry when he wouldn’t even eat it for hours?  At least it was there.  If he is abusing his body or experiencing a depression, he will likely eat in a very erratic fashion.  Have the food available and freshly prepared, not processed.  He can reheat it if you are already asleep.  Does it really matter when he eats?  You are not…
  • …his mother.  He needs a wife, not a mother.  It is easy to place yourself in a position of superiority in your head because you are “holding it all together” or you are the “responsible” one, or you are the “healthy” one, or you are the one “working”.  WRONG.  You are not his superior; you have no God-given authority over your husband.  If you try to “mother” him, you are inviting disaster.  God will NOT cover you and protect you when you are placing yourself out of His order like this.  This is His loving mercy, because if you continued this way, you would destroy your own marriage.
  • He needs your help.  This can look very strange and unlike what you perceive helping him should look like.  You should ask your husband regularly (though not constantly) how you can be of help to him.  He will tell you.  Then, JUST DO IT.  Whatever he wants your help with, just do it, for heaven’s sakes.  Don’t decide in your own mind that it’s not “helpful” to him, or that it is a waste of your time. 
  • He needs you to be a gift unto him – his wife.  His wife.  He needs you to be his, and not be on the phone or at work or at church belly aching about your circumstances.  This just crushes his masculine pride.  He needs you to be on his team; on his side; believing in him always.  If you don’t feel like you believe in him, beg God to help you be his biggest fan.
  • He needs you to cover him in prayer – COVER HIM.  He’s out there in the world, getting beaten up by wickedness, getting abused by sinful people…woman, cover your husband in intercessory prayer.  If you are even thinking of b*tching about him, or murmuring and complaining, PRAY FOR HIM INSTEAD.
  • He needs you to offer grace and mercy to him.  He will likely run through five stages of grief during job loss (career loss) and extended unemployment.  Be graceful and merciful.  Do not have grandiose expectations.  He is a human being, just like you.  He just doesn’t talk as much as you!  If he is a tyrant and a colossally rude jerk:  be graceful and merciful.  If he is living in sin (drinking too much, refusing to look for a job):  pray for him and be graceful and merciful.    If he yells at you:  be graceful and merciful.  If he says rude things when he is angry:  be graceful and merciful.  You do not want a bitter root of resentment, unforgiveness, anger or contempt growing in your heart towards your husband just because he has emotions just like you and just because he isn’t “perfect”.  You are not perfect, either, and he certainly has extended grace and mercy to you in the past.
  • Let us not forget:  he has sexual needs.  My husband was depressed and therefore had greatly diminished libido.  But sex often helps a husband feel loved and desired, when the rest of the world is telling him that he is rejected and a failure.  Love him by being his lover.  This is the best reason to remain in a repentant attitude so that there is no room for bitterness, resentment or the like in you as a wife – it will kill your desire to love him sexually.

In those three months of misery, I learned more about the heart of the man I married than in many years prior.  Our marriage is now more solid than ever, though we walk through trials, we do so as one flesh.  I hope you never experience seeing your love broken by career loss, but if you do, it is my heartfelt prayer that our testimony is of help and blessing to you.

songtwoeleven

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Supporting your husband through extended unemployment

Part I of  II part post

I am going to take you back into a very dark place in our marriage, for the purpose of helping you, dear wife, to walk through a fire of your husband’s unemployment and possible resulting depression without destroying your marriage relationship.   Be sure to read Sunshinemary’s blog for advice on supporting your husband through injury, and also Morticia’s Musings and Sarah’s Daughter:  these ladies have excellent advice.

My husband is a very successful salesman, and always has been. This particular year, he had just achieved top sales in the Nation.  (The record still stands today.)  Neither of us would have dreamed that his job was in jeopardy, but he had a female boss with an enormous chip on her shoulder, and she just couldn’t stand him.  In a fit of emotion, she drove to his outside sales location, waited until he was finished selling for the day and packing his car, and demanded that he give her all his sales materials because he was fired.  When he asked her why, she said, “You don’t like me.”  She fired a man who needed to support a wife and children because she perceived he “didn’t like her.”   She shunned him from the awards banquet where he was to be recognized for his record-breaking achievement.  Instead, she dropped his awards off at our front doorstep when we weren’t home.   Ah, the feminist workplace. 

My husband shared this information with me as I drove home from my work in sales.  At the time we had only older children, and we both worked full-time.  I thought, “Well, this sucks, but we will be okay.  We have my salary, Mister will get some unemployment (no doubt, the way he was fired without cause) and we will be fine.  No big deal.

I failed to consider what this was doing to my husband’s mind and emotions; his soul.  I thought only of myself.  Mistake number one was being self-centered.  I thought only of how we would be okay because in my mind I WAS OKAY.  He was not.  A man’s identity and value is often closely tied to his career and career success, because this is tied to his ability to provide for his family.

Soon, my husband had a radical personality shift.  His sleep schedule and meal schedule began to resemble that of an adolescent:  up until four a.m. playing video games, drinking and drunk, awake around noon, no regular meals with the family.  While I was working, he was either messing around in the yard drunkenly trying to grow perfectly green grass, or he was driving around town shopping with money we did not have, often while drunk.  I was at work, worried sick many days that he would cause an accident or be the victim of one.  I was embarrassed as he often showed up at my workplace with breakfast or lunch for me, noticeably drunk and wearing his swim trunks!  When I was home, he was drinking.  He vacillated between a very fun drunk who was pinching my bum and making silly jokes, to a mean and hateful drunk who said things he later regretted or did not even remember.  He absolutely refused to look for a job.  At all.  For fourteen months.  He made friends with unsavory male neighbors, and left home to drink with them well into the night.  He had dramatic mood swings.  He gained about thirty pounds and developed a hernia, which required surgery.

At this point, I felt as if I was on a treadmill. I had to just keep going.  When you sell for a living, you have to be “up” so to speak, so I had to put on a fake face at work.  It became apparent that the locale where I was selling was going to close:  people were getting laid off.  So, I spoke to Mister about it briefly to get his input and permission, and decided to resign and train for another job, not in sales at all.

He gave me his blessing (although I’m not sure he was cognitively aware of what he blessed) and I proceeded to resign from the sales job and enter training for a job in healthcare, with the possibility of going back to school part-time.

Then, we found out I was pregnant.

Five months after my husband was fired, when he was in the height of what we now know was major depression (made worse by ingesting alcohol every day), we found out we were expecting a child.  We were both excited and felt blessed.  It was at this point that I experienced horrifying fear for the first time since his job loss.  Paralyzing fear will do strange things to a wife.  Ladies, mistake number two is not recognizing fear for what it is and rejecting fear for faith in God. 

My fear caused reactions in me that were not flattering.  I began to try to control everything.  This was mistake number three, and part of every woman’s sinful nature.

In my fear, I began to murmur and complain, which is mistake number four.  I should have been praising God that all of this was happening, so that the unsavory things that were inside of me (us) would be purged out by our loving Father.  But, I was ignorant of many of His ways:  I complained, and complained.  I complained to anyone who would hear me. 

I began to feel self-pity, which was mistake number five.  I was still focused on little ol’ me, much to my detriment.  I felt sorry for myself that he was drunk.   I felt sorry for myself that he wasn’t our provider anymore.  Our finances were a mess; I felt sorry for myself that I was embarrassed at the grocery store when the credit cards didn’t work.  I felt sorry for myself that he wouldn’t go to church with us anymore.  I felt sorry for myself that he didn’t want to spend time with me anymore, and just wanted to drink and play like a schoolboy with the irresponsible neighbors.  I cried and cried and felt sorry for myself some more.

What I needed to do now was begin by praising God in all circumstances.

So, that’s what I did.  I didn’t “feel” it in my fickle emotions; I just obeyed and did it anyway.  I praised God for being in control so that I didn’t have to try to be.  I praised God for my husband, just as he was at the time.  I praised God that my husband was at least at home most nights and faithful sexually.  I praised God that we hadn’t lost our home.  I praised God for our precious baby growing in my womb, and the blessing to come out of this mess.  I told Him that I praised Him because we were blessed, even in this horrible mess. 

I began to read my Bible again.  I focused on what it is to be a wife according to God’s Word.  My focus shifted from self to Mister, and I began to feel empathy for Mister and pain for what he must be going through as a man.  Outwardly, I wanted peace and normalcy again in our home; inwardly I was still resentful of what I perceived as his laziness, his irresponsibility and his sin.

But, I kept on trying, even in small ways.  I began to try to look extra feminine for my husband.  I asked him what make up he would like to see on me and I wore it, even when I felt fat and pregnant and ugly.  He said I was beautiful and sexy.  I tried to make meals that would please him and make him feel loved – even if I didn’t feel like doing it for him when he would refuse it, and drink for hours more.  I left him alone when he ran away to the neighbor’s house, and just prayed and went to bed.  I tried to focus on being the best helper at home that I could be, while I was still working in healthcare.

Yes, I still FELT resentful that I was getting up at four a.m. and dragging my pregnant body to work, while he was hung over and snoring until after I got home.  Yes, I still felt powerless and I still got angry with him.  But I kept quiet and prayed.

As his unemployment compensation drew to a close, he found a job selling.  He hated the job, but he was happy to have any job.  He got up and went every day.  I was glad and relieved.  We had a shaky relationship, but we were both in better spirits knowing at least we weren’t going to be homeless.  We had a new baby and a lot to be thankful for.  I began to be hopeful of normalcy again.  But there was more to come.

OOOOOO, Baby! A pregnant wife’s sex tips for Mama-to-be

Okay, ladies.  I couldn’t help myself.  Women complain and carry on about sex during pregnancy:  they either love it or they HATE it and just suck it up and try to endure it.

Well, here is a short list of things that have really helped me and Mister (our sixth child is due to arrive in May):

  • Morning sickness can really ruin the first three months.  Intercourse?  Ha!  Blowjob?  That’s hilarious – when you can hardly brush your teeth without gagging.  Ladies, a simple solution to morning sickness (of the morning variety) is popcorn.  Keep dry popcorn by your bedside; munch on it.  Try saltines, too.  Whatever helps you.  Popcorn was my thing.  If you find that you have “morning” sickness all night long (like me), try my Midwife’s trick:  three grapes every hour, on the hour.  Three green grapes.  Works like a charm, and then you at least have enough relief to love your husband at night (if not in the morning).  Ginger root tea helps nausea, too.   Warning:  too much and you’ll have the runs…
  • Hone your hand-job skills.  Yet another good use for Virgin COCONUT OIL.  Same for blow-jobs, ladies.  If you absolutely cannot fathom intercourse…these are great options, even with a dry mouth.
  • Invest in some pure Almond oil.  You can get it at the health food store.  Use it for perineal massage, because not only will this help you when you are pushing your baby into the world, but it will do wonders for your comfort and pleasure during pregnant sex.  Your husband may enjoy massaging you, as well.  Just make sure to wash it off after sex; oil tends to help bacteria flourish if you do not wash it off.
  • Get a great bra as soon as you learn that you are pregnant.  The Girls are going to feel much better if they are properly fitted and supported during pregnancy, and since they can be so sensitive (which can be a good thing), the better supported and comfortable they are, the less you will feel like making them off-limits for your husband during sex.
  • Spend time on your hands and knees for twenty minutes, three times daily.  Rock your pelvis toward the floor, and then toward the ceiling.  Your body is going to develop all kinds of little aches as your pregnancy progresses because of the hormone Relaxin that is causing your joints to literally relax in preparation for the birth.  Let your belly just hang there while you do this “pelvic tilt”.  This is also a great position for sex with your husband when you are really getting big!  He will probably enjoy the view of you doing all those pelvic tilts!
  • Take a nice, warm (not hot) sitz bath with a cup of baking soda once daily (or more if you are suffering with more frequent yeast infections during pregnancy).  This can really help.  Some of us keep breastfeeding older children during pregnancy, and this causes a lot of soreness “down there”.  Keep this at bay with these baking soda sitz baths.  It’s also very relaxing before sex, and if you are sweating like a french whore in church like I am when you’re expecting, it is refreshing and your husband will appreciate it!
  • Be aware that after that pukey first trimester is over, you are going to be one horny mama.  Seriously.  They don’t call it the “honeymoon trimester” for nothing, ladies. More blood flow to your nether regions and the ensuing hormone cocktail means you want it and you want it NOW! Take advantage of this phase, because when you are fuller and rounder, it will become more difficult and you will have to get creative with positioning.
  • During the third trimester, unless you are restricted for medical reasons, try to have as much sex with your husband as you possibly can.  It is great for preparing your body for labor.  The semen helps soften the cervix to prepare for labor.  The semen contains prostaglandins, which cause mild uterine contractions (you have probably already felt those Braxton-Hicks contractions to compare) and help prepare your uterus for the real deal soon.  Orgasm can do the same for you – causing mild uterine contractions.  But don’t worry if you are having issues having a Big O in the late third trimester; just tell your husband that all this sex is for HIS benefit and that of your new baby!
  • All those vitamins are good for your hair, and your hair won’t shed during pregnancy – a great time to grow it out long if this is something your husband has wanted.  Pregnancy hair = very, very sexy shiny, healthy, thick hair.
  • There are some online sites for absolutely gorgeous pregnancy and nursing lingerie – sexy, too, not all matronly!  This can be pricey; a low-cost sub my husband always found sexy was just naked, pregnant me – or me in a bikini, pregnant, cooking dinner…try it and see what your husband thinks.
  • At some point, your belly is going to make it impossible for you to see your toes, much less your pubic hair…many husbands love to take over this portion of “wifely responsibility” at this point – see if your husband would find it sexy to give you a new ‘do down there.  Nice foreplay and healthier than waxing during pregnancy!

Professional Sh*t Testing – how does a wife help her husband in the workplace?

medusaOkay, I am asking the gentlemen primarily, though of course ladies are welcome to comment:

How can I help my husband deal with serious sh*t-testing from unrelated women at work?

Some background is necessary:

My husband and I were both total feminists until about ten years ago.  We’re definitely unplugged, so to speak…but it is still a process in our thinking  in certain areas.  Mister has natural “game” (he calls his Game “mojo”), but he acts very differently with me when I get occasionally unruly and fitness test him than he does with women in the workplace when they constantly do the same.   Obviously, when a man is at home in his castle and his wife is being a pain in the arse, it is easier to deal with her than it is to deal with some “empowered” chick in the workplace who can go cry on any  number of willing shoulders:  her “boss”; HR (almost entirely composed of females), some lawyer…you get the picture.  So, I think it is a desire to “just keep the peace” so he can “just keep his JOB” that keeps my husband from trying to run any game on these out-of-control females he seems to KEEP encountering.  It really is amazing; the more I read and learn about the nature of women (myself included) and the nature of our flesh (as women), the more I am astounded at what women get away with these days.

In any event, more background.  Mister works in retail locations with permission from corporate sponsors under contract to offer satellite television and other entertainment media to customers in the retail stores.  Mister is self-employed; he is incorporated.  However, without the contracts from the corporate sponsors (should he anger them or the retailer), he really doesn’t have a storefront in which to offer his products.  So, as a sales professional, he is well-served to keep his customers happy:  the sponsors, the retailers, and the retail customers.

However, Mister has encountered nothing but problems with females since he started this business!  Truly amazing.  One of them, a former employee, actually sued him (and lost in a huge way) in court.  Her husband backed her; mind you, her husband was an unemployed milquetoast.  This woman engaged in verbal diarrhea about her sex life (or lack thereof) with her own husband in my husband’s ear incessantly.  When he fired her, she sued, but not for “sexual harassment” – rather, for payroll violations.  She was sleeping in her car during work hours.  Amazing.

Other women have connived and manipulated him and attempted to get him to hire them illegally.  One woman in a retailer who was a retail employee created all sorts of lies about my Mister and had him thrown out of the retailer for “being too aggressive” with “her” customers.  Gads.  This last episode almost cost him his career; thankfully, we moved across the state to a new market with new retailers.  Several women have connived and manipulated and gained support from their male coworkers in trying to complain to their retail managers and have my husband thrown out of stores.

I should mention that my husband is one of the best in the Nation at his job.  Several times he has been the best in the Nation.  He is a dynamic man and an excellent speaker and persuader.  At his previous sales job, he broke a National record for sales and average sale which still stands five years later – no one has come close to touching it.  He is aggressive, he is dominant, he is charismatic, he is charming in speech and persona, he is extremely quick-witted verbally, and women have only to spend about three minutes with him to see that he is naturally Alpha in personality and behavior.  He is middle-aged, bald and in above-average physical shape for his age – and he draws women like a freaking magnet.  Like moths to a flame they flutter to him, but within days they are screaming about his “aggression” being too much, his personality being “too controlling” and basically b*tching about everything they LOVE about him.  Yes, I have been one of them early in our marriage (repentant smile).

Which brings me to our latest event:  the store my husband just opened (retailer which allows him to sell there) is small.  The management loves him.  The employees are lazy, due to being bored out of their minds in a small store during a down season.  The store employees are also a bit apathetic due to the fact that they are non-commissioned; they earn a wage regardless of sales volume.  Mister only eats if he sells; he is straight commission.  This makes him a bit more aggressive.

A female employee has started calling Mister on his wireless phone, telling him that customers are there, angry, waiting on him.  Every one of these calls has turned out to be false, as my husband has talked on the phone to the customer and actually sold them service with them being very pleased.

She has also begun complaining to her manager in the retailer that Mister is “interrupting her sales”, when in fact, she has neglected to serve her customers (has been standing around talking to other employees) and has missed opportunity to engage with her customers, so my husband has intercepted them first.  He has helped them with their satellite needs and often sold them not only his product, but also retail product as well.

This woman had a uber-woman-drama meltdown the other day  to her manager and told him that “she was so upset by what my Mister did to ‘interrupt’ her sale, that she “just wanted to go home for the whole day!’  Puhleese.

Drama, drama, and more drama.  She has engaged a man in the store to begin complaining about my husband to the manager as well.

Mister did talk to the manager yesterday and quell the storm, but he frankly just wants these women to stay the heck away from him.  They do not.  They pick fights.  They start drama.  They lie.  They create things that do not exist.  They manipulate and connive and destroy professional relationships.

This has to stop.

What’s a man to do?  (legally without getting sued, of course)..

All advice is welcome.

Blessings,

songtwoeleven

Feminism…the breakfast of champion wives

Image

Check out the first thing I saw when I opened my email over coffee.

How NOT to choose a husband?

According to author Suzanne Venker to find a husband all you need to do is “just be nice, cook, and have sex!”

That’s just part of the no-hassle formula Venker prescribes young women in her new advice book, How to Choose a Husband, out next week. As it turns out, being completely submissive and giving up on your dreams to marriage and motherhood is the best way to maintain a healthy relationship.

Well, now.  I know we’re not completely sold out on Venker as an “anti-feminist” around these parts, but come on now…this is good, old-fashioned marriage material.  I’m especially fond of the “you go girl” mentality commentary.

Later in the brief article written by some barely literate, self-proclaimed Yahoo Shine! feminist office-drone journalist, the authoress of the article shares this little gem:

I may be a feminist, but that fact doesn’t prevent me from believing that there are men in this world who want to be married to a smart, successful woman who has professional goals that are independent from her marriage. I also believe that there are men out there who care about other things in life than just sex.

It’s a fairly large assumption to make-that all men want a return to a 1950s mentality, when their family was completely dependent on the success of their job. And just because a marriage survives doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a happy one.

Amazing.  Really, a miserable, intact marriage is a horrible thing, indeed. Just read a few lines of comments on any manosphere blog.  But it’s advice like this gal is doling out to millions of young girls, poring over their PC this morning at office dress-up work, that is actually causing these girls to be cat ladies in their forties.

Believe me, I’ve been an office-drone, and a young woman who wanted to “pursue her professional goals” often ends up as an office drone even after years of University studies and  tens of thousands in student loans.  Yup, sitting in a cubicle, girls.  Sounds “empowering”, doesn’t it?  Not.  Trust me, most of the girls sitting in cubicles cry themselves to sleep at night, begging for a chance to just wear a beautiful white gown with little pearl buttons down the back and marrying a good man who will “take care” of them.  It’s the cry of every girl’s heart:  it’s put there by her creator, unless she is one of the very, very few called to a lifetime of celibacy.

Why fight it, girls?

In closing, the Shine! authoress states:

You could take Venker’s advice from How to Choose a Husband and live a life of submission. But why would you sell yourself short when you could marry a guy who loves you for you, when you’re prancing about in your high heels on your way to work?

There it is.  The feminist “money-shot”.  Why would YOU (you precious princess, you) sell yourSELF short to be a wife and mother (ewww!) when YOU could marry a “guy” who loves YOU for YOU?

“It’s all about YOU, Princess.”

Well, guess what?  It’s not.  “You” were created to serve and help your husband for life.  Ask most men, and they’ll tell you they, indeed, do NOT want a wife who has “professional goals” independent of her marriage.  That’s a death-blow to the marriage.  Yes, the office-drone can land a submissive and subservient feminist man who will enjoy her (for a short while)…but he will know, in the depths of his Blue Pill soul, that something is wrong with the marriage in which he finds himself suffering with his “empowered, independent, office drone professional.”

(Especially when she screeches at him at 7 p.m. to get dinner on the table because her feet are just killing her, what with wearing those heels at the office all day!)

Taming the Quarrelsome Shrew in You

Sunshinemary’s recent post at The Woman and the Dragon has spawned the words that follow here. She speaks of a wife’s tendency to be a “sh*t” testing, attention-demanding, needy, noisy, brash, loud, aggressive woman without self-control over her emotions. We have all been there, ladies. I will be the first to admit that I was actually raised to be this way, by a mother who behaved this way. She cracked her emotional whip, and my father obliged, to keep peace in his home in a quiet desperation. Later, he responded with violence – I believe, because he was so powerless and castrated by his own wife.

In any event, since many of us have grown up in secular homes and come to know the ways of God through Christ later in life, this is a serious maturation process. Sunshinemary says “don’t be a quarrelsome shrew”, and lists excuses that even we Christian women use to justify our shrewish behavior.

Yet, this is not the way Christ would have us to behave toward our own husbands, whom we are to respect and obey in all things. But…how? How does one overcome the tendency, day by day? How does a wife live out the repentant heart that desires to be a woman of a quiet and gentle spirit?

The answer isn’t easy, but it is simple. Might I suggest a few pointers and small tips to women and wives who are currently walking through repentance in this area:

  • Phillipians 4:8. Begin thinking on that which is true, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, praiseworthy things. It’s awfully difficult to be a bratty little girl pouting and screaming over something to our husbands, when we are thinking on the things mentioned here.
  • Make a short (three to five item) gratitude list about your husband and family life, prior to opening your mouth to criticize or demand something aggressively from your husband. This usually re-frames my mind.
  • Stop and think about something truly irritating that YOU do that your husband does not like, but he tolerates because of his love and commitment to you and your children. Really think on this. Think about how imperfect a person you are, too, and how whatever it is that he is doing that is revving you up is really not that significant; definitely not significant enough to warrant you sinning against God and your husband by being rebellious and aggressive. This is also a good practice in humility – realizing that your husband loves a flawed woman – because so many of us have grown up hearing how “precious” and “perfect” we are as girls and women. We are NOT any such thing. We are sinners apart from abiding in Christ.
  • Practice some Fascinating Womanhood. Mrs. Helen Andelin wrote a beautiful book by this title many years ago, and modern versions can be purchased online from my understanding. There are even courses to take online or in certain communities – taught by mature wives and mothers who have been living this way for years and seeing success in their marriages.

For instance:

One of the greater lessons in FW is to accept one’s husband at face value, fully accepting even his faults. We think we are doing this as Christian wives, but often we are just saying to others that we are doing this. Try watching your own husband sit on the couch for several hours with a beer or two and a bag of chips watching ESPN while you cook, serve him and your multiple children, clean up the children, clean up the kitchen, clean poop out of the bath the toddler just took (which you filled and refilled), clean cat puke off the carpet on the stairs, answer a phone call, look up something for your husband on the internet…you get the picture…how do you feel as a wife? “Neglected”, overworked, abused? That is what society might say; that is definitely what a feminist would say if she saw your husband doing this in your home while you worked in domesticity.

Did she see the seventy-five work hours that your husband put in this week on his entrepreneurial venture? Did she also watch him work a second job for an hourly wage this week on his day off? Did she see how he patiently laid down with his small daughter at night helping her to drift off to sleep after a hard day? Did she see how he rocked the baby back to sleep, unbeknownst to you (his wife) because you were so soundly asleep and he wanted to help you? She has no right to judge and NEITHER DO YOU.

  • Look to your man’s better side. Always. It helps to color one side of a piece of paper black and one gold or yellow and hang it on your fridge to remind you until you get into a new habit of doing this every time you desire to “rule over” your husband (especially with your tongue, with words of criticism or demands.)
  • Stop trying to change your husband. It is pride and self-righteousness to believe that you can change your husband, or that you should.
  • Appreciate him: and TELL him so. If you are tempted to be shrewish, instead, take a deep breath and summon something to say to him about how much you truly appreciate how hard he works for you and the children at his job. Or, tell him how you appreciate his sexy physique. Something positive, ladies.
  • Make him number one. We often forget that our husbands come before our children, especially if we have little ones. I know I get caught up in just the energy it takes to care for little ones around the clock, and suddenly, he seems forgotten. It’s easy to be cross and easily irritated when you are neglecting your most important earthly relationship with your husband.

Lastly, make the time that your husband comes home to be one of the most important times of your day and the children’s day. Greet him warmly and help him find peace and comfort at home after being in the world all day. Some tips:

  1. Get your own work done before he is expected.
  2. Have dinner ready.
  3. Prepare yourself physically (take a few moments to refresh makeup, hair, perfume).
  4. Clear away clutter in home.
  5. Prepare your children. Minimize noise.
  6. BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM. Smile! Be romantic towards him!
  7. Make him comfortable. He is not your “wife” – YOU ARE HIS.
  8. Listen to him – let him talk to you FIRST.
  9. Make the evening his: do not complain if he doesn’t pamper you, help you with housework or children. If he is irritable and rude, do not fight back – think of the stress and strain in his “world” of work.

DON’T: greet your husband with problems or complaints. Don’t allow your children to rush at him; let them greet him and then instruct them to give him a few moments to settle in. It helps to play music or let them be wild in exercise just before he gets home, to get some of their energy out. This way, they’re happy to see him without tackling him!

These are ways to ensure your husband actually wants to come home. We have not been taught, ladies, how to truly be home-MAKERS. It is beyond a clean house. A clean house is religious. A clean house is a duty; an obligation. Making a home is an ART that women of past generations knew, because they knew they were the HEARTS of their homes, they knew they set the climate of their homes, and they knew that a man happy and renewed at home is a successful and faithful man.

Here is a little poem, anonymously written, that sums it up well:

“Say It Now”

If with pleasure you are viewing
Anything a man is doing,
If you prize him, if you love him,
Tell him now.

Don’t withhold your approbation
‘Till the Parson makes oration,
And he lies with lilies
On his brow.

For no matter how you shout it
He won’t really know about it,
He won’t count the teardrops
That you shed.

If you think some praise is due him
Now’s the time to pass it to him,
For he cannot read his tombstone
When he’s dead.

 

Blessings,

Songtwoeleven

More thoughts on how to overcome shrewish tendencies are welcomed by both men and women alike.